12. Who We Live With
12.4 Formation
Let us now look at how people can come together to form familias. Once again, I am only outlining possibilities here. Just as people can find a romantic partner in all kinds of ways, or shared apartments can come into being in very different ways.
Since this is a new concept introduced in this book, the founding of the first familias will begin with readers of this book.
Either because they consciously seek like-minded people who have also read this book and want to live together in this way. In that case, it is extremely important that these people first get to know one another well over a longer period of time, spend time together, and complete tasks together, before starting this experiment. A familia founded by people who previously lived far away from one another, where this is therefore not reasonably possible, is at the very least highly precarious. A familia is not a shared apartment that simply breaks up again when college is over or when one has met cooler fellow students! It takes time to build mutual trust, and without that foundation the familia will fail.
Alternatively, readers may have people in their circle of friends whom they believe might be interested in this way of living together. In that case, it begins with a recommendation of the book, followed by conversations about the contents of this chapter. If the friends really are interested, the prerequisite of mutual trust is of course much easier to satisfy.
A familia should begin with four adults, but no more than six. At least four, so that pair work is feasible, and because the distribution of tasks and competencies only then functions significantly better than in a nuclear family. No more than six, so that building mutual trust before or at the beginning of living together does not become too difficult. Problems in the concrete implementation of this model of living can also be solved more easily while the number of participants is still small, but greater than two. It is probably somewhat easier when two or three couples with their children join together to form a familia. Then at least some of the familia members have already lived together beforehand, and the number of households that have to be coordinated is smaller. But joining together with singles and single parents is of course just as possible.
In every version, when exploring a possible founding of a familia, there should be a thorough conversation about personal fundamental values: What does each person want to achieve in their own life, and by what path? Matching fundamental values, or at least ones that fit together well, are very important as the common basis of a familia.
It is just as important to talk about everyone’s competencies—which skills each person can contribute to the familia. It is not much use at all if four kindergarten teachers join together, but nobody knows anything about technology. Or four programmers, none of whom bring craftsmanship or social skills. Of course, there will be gaps in the competencies. With four adults, presumably not all competency areas will be covered, let alone all be present twice. That is fine. But since an important core idea of the familia is better distribution of tasks according to competencies, the founding members should at least already cover a broad spectrum of competencies, rather than all being specialized in the same area.
If these basic prerequisites are in place, the next step should be to talk about how the members imagine living together as a familia. How much shared property should there be? Which tasks will be done together, and by what rules will they be distributed? How much time will the familia spend together (for example at shared meals), and how much in pairs (during pair work and otherwise)? Should the shared food be vegetarian or organic, or meet other criteria (for example because of allergies)? How often and how thoroughly should cleaning be done? ...
This chapter has, after all, presented only one possible answer to such questions, and is limited in its scope and thus in the details it presents. It is also necessarily general rather than addressing the actual circumstances of the physical setting, number of children, competencies, and characters of the members of a specific familia.
Below, I will list once again the core ideas of the concept. They should be preserved if the form of living together is still to correspond to the familia concept as presented in this chapter:
• at least four adults with their children, living together and pooling their resources
• definition of the competencies important to the familia (even if they are different from the ones I described)
• coming together based on compatibility and competencies (rather than love or ideology)
• structured task allocation (even if it is organized differently from how I described it)
• spending time together as a familia (e.g. at meals)
• doing at least some of the tasks in pairs
• the intention to stay together permanently (even though there can of course never be a guarantee of that)
• shared familia property to which all adults contribute
One final thing that definitely has to be considered before founding a familia is the legal situation. Depending on local laws and the circumstances of the founding members, issues such as powers of attorney, tax aspects, and property rights have to be thought through. Appropriate experts should be consulted here, and people should seek out others who have faced similar problems. Communes, for example, also have to solve such issues. Networking online with like-minded people (the Contact competency) can be very useful here.
The exchange of experiences with like-minded people will also be very useful during the founding phase beyond legal aspects. Unexpected problems will certainly arise, for which the new familia will have to find solutions together. If the Contact competency can contribute advice from other familias while looking for solutions, that will significantly increase the chance that a good solution is found. Conversely, one can also share one’s own experiences in order to make the start easier for other aspiring familias and spare them from repeating one’s own mistakes.
More generally, thanks to the Contact competency and higher specialization, familias should be better at networking with one another than nuclear families or people living alone. At first with others who are implementing this concept at all, later with familias with whom they have something in common or where individual members know each other well. This network, too, then offers a kind of safety net, since connected familias can support one another with advice and practical help when needed.
The founding itself (ideally after a trial phase to see whether people really can and want to live together like this in the long term) should be celebrated as a formal act. For example as a shared feast, after everyone has made a well-worded promise to stand by each other even in hard times, to treat one another with respect, and to be there for each other for life.
Simply so that everyone has a good memory of the moment the familia was inaugurated, and of their own conscious decision to take part in it.
Once the founding has taken place, a generous period of time should be allotted for this new way of living to settle in. It is something new to live with these people, to share work, to make decisions and care for children together. Rituals have to be tested and learned, mutual trust has to be built or deepened. Until all of this feels normal and right, emerging conflicts have been defused (Harmony competency), and rules that did not work have been adjusted, quite some time will pass. Only once the familia has settled in well should expansion be considered. By then, it will also hopefully be clear which competencies are still only weakly represented in the familia, and where reinforcement would therefore help the most.
At the latest when further members join, the age structure of the familia should be considered. If all adults in the familia are roughly the same age, then at some point they will all be old and frail. Mutual support, division of tasks, and so on would then be possible only to a limited extent. If the entire familia lives in a nursing home instead of frail people being supported within the familia, that equals the dissolution of the group.
A more heterogeneous age structure, with adults of different ages, would therefore be better. This already has advantages before everyone grows old. Younger familia members can benefit from the life experience of the older ones, while the latter stay mentally young within the familia and feel needed. Besides contributing life experience and knowledge, they can for example help with childcare: retirees can look after children even when everyone else is at work. The concept of the multigenerational house tries to draw similar synergies from several generations living together, and it was always a core element of extended families.
So while a couple living together as a nuclear family grows old together and the nuclear family thus comes to an end again, in the familia the baton is gradually passed from the older generation to younger familia members, just as extended families do.
But this desired difference in age also creates a tension with group size and childcare. If it means that there are only ever one or two children in the familia at the same time, then the advantages of having several siblings are lost, as is a good part of the advantages of shared childcare. If the familia becomes too large, it can become dysfunctional. If, on the other hand, one avoids this problem by sticking with a familia of similarly aged adults that then comes to an end again in old age, that would waste part of the potential of this concept. Different familias will find different solutions here, and experience will hopefully show over time what the best balance is.
Love relationships will certainly be a major driving force behind members joining and leaving a familia. The foundation of the familia is compatibility, shared fundamental values, a broad spectrum of the necessary competencies, and the mutual trust that grows out of living together. Conversely, that means that romantic relationships and sexuality are not a prerequisite.
Of course, there can and will be romantic relationships within the familia—whenever a couple joins a familia together. But that is not what defines the familia, and just because a romantic relationship ends does not mean that one of the two now has to leave the familia. Conversely, relationships and affairs outside the familia are entirely legitimate and not a breach of trust, so long as they do not conflict with a romantic relationship of that person within the familia.
But just because in most cases there is no physical romantic relationship between familia members does not mean there should be no physical contact. Humans are social beings, and physical contact provides security, is calming, improves mental as well as physical health, and strengthens mutual trust.
Social physical contact between familia members is something positive. Whether that is hugging, holding hands, combing hair, leaning against one another, massaging shoulders, or something similar. Things that we often associate with romantic relationships. But we have no problem with them in interactions with our children, so they are not sexual.
Just as with talking during the shared meal, the same applies here: if it feels uncomfortable, something is wrong. So stop and figure out why! Not without reason have I repeatedly emphasized that mutual trust between all familia members is a basic prerequisite (and limits the possible size of the familia). Just as a nuclear family is missing something important if its members do not hug, the same is true of a familia. These forms of social physical contact provide comfort, security, and emotional support in our unsettled and often anonymously cold world. Leaving them out would be a great loss. In nuclear families and with our own children, we have an intuitive sense and sensitivity for this because it is part of our lived reality. For the familia, that intuition can only develop once it is actually lived. Here, I could only try to describe it as well as possible.
Even though the end of a romantic relationship does not prevent either partner from remaining in the familia, it is of course still possible for a couple to fall out so badly that living together is no longer an option. Or for someone to find a romantic partner outside the familia, decide to live with that person, and leave the familia to do so.
Conversely, it is of course also possible for a romantic partner to join the familia as a new member.
How should new members be integrated into the familia? Of course, these are once again only suggestions. In the end, each familia will handle it in whatever way it considers right.
As a basic rule, it always takes the agreement of the whole familia to add someone new. Which presupposes that all members have gotten to know that person well enough beforehand. In what follows, I describe the planned version of that process. If it has already happened in some other way, for example because the person is already a friend of the entire familia, then only the later steps still need to take place. I describe it here for one person, but the process can of course just as easily be applied to a couple (possibly with children).
1. To start with, one person from the familia already knows the potential new member well. Through working together, friendship, or a romantic relationship. Well enough to be able to judge whether they might be interested in this way of life, what competencies they roughly have, and whether their character and fundamental values might fit. The familia will discuss together whether a new member would be good for it, which competencies would be useful, and which competencies this potential new member likely brings with them.
2. The potential new member gets to know the rest of the familia, and vice versa. Whether at a shared meal, an outing, a celebration, or elsewhere. Mutual sympathy on everyone’s part is a prerequisite for this plan to be pursued further. And the chances are good that it fails at this point. The larger the familia, the greater the likelihood that the chemistry between the potential new member and one of the current familia members isn’t right.
3. If everyone likes one another, the Contact competency will make sure that the potential new member repeatedly spends time with the familia as a whole and with individual members. The goal is that friendships with the familia members gradually develop. At the very least, all familia members must spend enough time with the person to be able to assess them well—their character, competencies, attitude towards life, and the personal chemistry with them. As part of that, the person will naturally get a sense of how the familia lives and what it is.
Part of that shared time will be invitations to familia meals and requests for help with carrying out certain tasks (in the areas of the potential new member’s competencies). Sooner or later, a conversation with the potential new member will take place about what they think of this way of life, whether it might be an option for them, and that the familia may offer them a place in it.
4. If the person has signaled interest, the familia discusses it among itself at the shared meal: Do all familia members think they have now gotten to know the potential new member well enough to be able to make the decision? Which competencies do they bring with them, how well does everyone get along with the person, do their character and fundamental values fit the familia?
At the end of this discussion, there is a vote on whether the person should be offered membership in the familia, initially on a trial basis before everything is formalized. Here, everyone should really express their thoughts in detail. It is not a problem simply to wait longer if not everyone is sure yet. Even if the formal admission only follows later, this is the decisive vote, which must be unanimous, on whether the familia is to be expanded by this person (or this couple) or not.
5. There should be a phase of several weeks during which the new member lives with the familia, takes part in all meals, is fully included in the task allocation, and otherwise participates in familia life. On the one hand, to test whether everyone really gets along well in everyday life. Just as in romantic relationships, it is never clear whether people are compatible when living together until they have actually tried it. On the other hand, to see whether really everyone can build mutual trust, so that the familia can be a place of security for all its members.
6. The final vote of all familia members on admitting the new member. If no problems have arisen during the trial phase, this is hopefully just a formality. At this point, possessions have to be clarified (which goods are contributed to shared ownership, and what share in the shared property that represents), as well as all legal matters analogous to those of the existing familia members. Of course, the official enlargement of the familia should be celebrated as a formal act, with mutual promises, just as with the founding of the familia. Once that has happened, the new familia member can cancel their old apartment, as well as any contracts that are no longer needed.
I had already written about how possessions are divided when someone leaves the familia. But what about children, with which parent should they live? This issue quickly becomes very complex in nuclear families too, once children from different partners, children brought into the relationship, and visitation rights all come together. Think patchwork family.
One side of the matter is what the courts prescribe if one lets them decide. Nothing can be done about that. In most cases though, things won't escalate that far. How should it be handled, provided everyone can agree on something peacefully?
On the one hand, the familia is hopefully much longer-lasting than a nuclear family, which falls apart as soon as the couple’s relationship ends. Here, the question of what happens to the children only arises if one of the two biological parents leaves the familia. On the other hand, it will occur more often that from the outset only one of the parents lives in the familia, since a sexual relationship is neither the basis nor a prerequisite for familia membership.
The only solution that seems sensible to me is that, as a rule, children should live with the mother’s familia (or nuclear family). Unless something else is agreed in an individual case, or the child is old enough to express a wish of their own and wants something different.110
Another point we should think about with regard to children in the familia is a look into the more distant future: What kinds of life plans will children make who grew up in a familia rather than a nuclear family? After all, the basic pattern so far is that teenagers or adults meet someone, move in with their partner, and start their own nuclear family.
Someone who grew up in a familia will presumably have a different view of their own future than that. Especially should the familia no longer be the absolutely exotic exception, but instead a reasonably well-known alternative way of life, like living in a multigenerational house is today.
One possibility, of course, is still that the child intends to find a partner and start a nuclear family. In that case, nothing changes for the child’s life plans compared to today’s normality.
The next possibility is that the child aims to become part of another familia. Either by founding a new one, being accepted into an existing familia, or first finding a partner and then joining a familia together.
In these cases, the child should have internalized well enough that this plan will depend, besides their own character (and fundamental values), above all on their own competencies, by which familias select their members.
I have largely avoided referring in this chapter to other futurities presented in this book, since the idea of the familia is independent of them and can be implemented on a much smaller scale. Here, however, I do want to refer back to the chapter on education: A child who wants to live in a familia as an adult has an additional motivation to specialize through module choice in school in certain competency areas that are needed in familias. Just as young people today try to increase their attractiveness to possible partners, competency increases attractiveness to familias! (Of course, this doesn’t replace wanting to be attractive to possible romantic partners at all—it just separates that from who one lives with.)
The final possibility is that the child wants to stay in their familia. Just as in the past a son in an extended family took over the farm, it is in principle possible here too. After all, the familia is meant to span generations through the addition of younger members. In many cases, this wish will change during puberty—many children then want to break away and find their own path. But if some of them want to find a partner and invite them into the existing familia, that is a viable path.
Any plans for familia membership are therefore largely detached from finding a romantic partner. Above all, both sequences are possible: either a lasting partner is found first, maybe even already moved in with, and only then do the two of them look for a familia together. Or the familia is found first, and only later a partner with whom one wants to live (with the risk, in that case, that the partner may not be invited into the familia). Finally, there is of course always the option of not seeking any lasting cohabitation with a romantic partner at all.
Of course, children will still have a close relationship with the familia they grew up in. Even after they have founded one of their own, been admitted into an existing one, or live alone or in a nuclear family. But they are then no longer part of the group in which they grew up, neither living together nor pooling the same resources. No more than children who move out of their parents’ home—they now have to stand on their own feet as well.
The familia is a mixture of traits from the nuclear family, extended family, and commune. From the nuclear family it takes the close mutual trust between all members. From the extended family, division of labor and having multiple generations live together. From the commune, living together by choice rather than by blood ties.
The familia is more efficient than the nuclear family, but also comes with more organizational effort. It is more democratic than the extended family, but there is also a greater risk that it ends or that one is excluded from it. And unlike communes, it is not bound to a purpose or ideology, but is instead universally intended as a way of living together for its members.
As a new idea, pair work is added. Not only where it increases the efficiency of solving a specific task, but as often as possible, for the sake of all the other long-term advantages it brings.
Overall, I think the familia takes on more of the advantages of these other forms of living together than of their disadvantages. Very well-functioning extended families that live together probably come closest to the dynamics of the familia. Just as very well-functioning village communities can be just as good as the idea of neighborhoods I presented in Chapter 9. With the idea of the familia, just like with the idea of the self-chosen neighborhood, I want to make these best cases much easier to achieve, so that more people can live this well.
I do not believe that this idea cannot work just because no one has had it before. In hindsight, once they have proven themselves, new ideas often seem obvious. When one asks why they didn't arise earlier, the answer is often that time just wasn't ripe for them. Of course, pressing problems lead many people to think about possible solutions and to try them out. But that does not mean they would not have been possible earlier.
The idea of a written constitution with guaranteed rights for citizens was first implemented in the “Bill of Rights” in Great Britain in 1689. Equal rights for men and women were only won by women in the 20th century (and to this day are still not established always and everywhere), even though they were quite likely already present in early hunter-gatherer societies. Time may not have been ripe for these ideas before. But that does not mean they could not have emerged earlier if the idea had been there and people had been convinced by it. And not even very many people: in a monarchy, it is enough if the monarch is convinced of something and enforces it. And equal rights for women could have been implemented in earlier times in individual families or villages, even if others would have thought the family or village strange for it.
Now, I certainly do not mean to say that the idea of the familia is as good or as far-reaching as that of a constitution or equal rights for women. Only time will show whether it is any good or not. But I do mean to say that the idea should not be rejected simply because it did not exist before.
Review of Requirements
(Even though this concept concerns a much smaller group than an entire society, it is still a futurity, an idea for organizing society, and we can therefore meaningfully compare it against the list of requirements for such futurities.)